Bishop and the Ass
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Ways girls turn down romantic guys
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay, but would you stay there?
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don't be shy.Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why,are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why,don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!
HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my food down!
HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!
HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, i'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!
HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
She: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.
HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter
HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
SHE: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!
आज तक - Breaking News
Ohh, forgot to tell you the news. Check the TV grabs below -
Where else can you get news of such high national interest, but Aaj Tak. Even the mix of two news items is superb. Check the bottom of 2nd pick. 'Chhajje pe phasi billi' 'unhe kshetravadi vivado mei na ghasite' - which translates to - "Cat stuck on roof - don't drag him in regional dispute". Wow. Now, who wants to drag the kitty in such a dispute. That's really worth national attention. Go figure.
The Men Rules
Ria is always complaining that I never write anything for her blog. She has tried everything; Request, cajoling, emotional blackmailing to make me write. But I simply couldn't find the time. But now I guess the little gal deserves some treat. So, here's my post after a pretty long time. Hope you all enjoy and it brings a big colgate smile on her face.
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write these all down. We always hear " the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
When Laloo apllied to Microsoft for job
Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA. A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
Laloo Prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference : "भाइयों और बेहेनो, आपको जान कर खुशी होगी की हमको अमरीका में नौकरी मिल गयी है. "
Everyone was delighted. Laloo Prasad continued...... "अब हम आप सब को अपना appointment Letter पड़कर सुनाऊंगा. पर letter अंग्रजी में है. इसलिए साथ-साथ हिन्दी में translate भी करूंगा.
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- प्यारे लालू प्रसाद भइया, [Dear Bro Laloo Prasad]
You do not meet -----आप तो मिलते ही नही हो [Where have you been?]
our requirement ----- हमको तो ज़रूरत है.[We Need You]
Please do not send any further correspondence ----- अब लैटर भेटर भेजने का कौनो ज़रूरत नाही. [Absolutely no need to send letters]
No phone call ----- फूनवा का भी ज़रूरत नाही है. [Not need to make phone call]
shall be entertained ----- बहुत खातिर की जायेगी. [You'll be highly taken care of]
Thanks ----- आपका बहुत बहुत धन्यवाद. [Thank you very very much]
Bill Gates. ---- तोहार बिलवा. [Yours' Truly, Bill]
Now try to keep yourself from laughing your lungs out. :D
Modern human math
Modern Maths
*************
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that workEquation 2
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = DonkeysEquation 3
Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend
Women - spend = Donkeys
In other words,
Women that don't spend = DonkeysTo Conclude:
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys!
And the Donkeys lived happily ever after!:D
Romance math of Women
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:
- Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
- Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
- You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favorite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???
