Elicit Thoughts: May 2006

24th July '04, Saturday.
11:30 pm. Staircase of 6228. Train is about to leave the town. The breeze of the night is kissing me good bye, leaving a trace of moisture in my eyes. Gradually, all the trees, houses, fields are falling behind and some precious moments with them. I’ll be back here in a month, but the moments won’t be.
Two years. I’ve lost many things in these two years, besides my heart. And got nothing but memories in return. Inhi yaado ko apne saath le jaa raha hoon.
Today, after the completion of exams, Rani left without meeting me. I was waiting there for her for the last 45 minutes & she knew it. Still…..!! Now it was almost evident that I won’t get even a glimpse of her for the next forty days. But this heart declined to admit it. Every now & then, it was crying ‘she will come back.’
And she was. Some talks on this & that and then she wanted to know ‘bout Suhani. Well, I did tell her the true story of Suhani alias Rani. And now she knew for sure that none other than she is Suhani. “Ye to tum meri hi story soona rahe ho.” She didn’t stay there any longer. Maybe, she didn’t return for me. She came back for Suhani, to know more ‘bout her. But why? Why is she so much interested in her that she came back to me leaving her ego behind ! Just a feminine curiosity, or some sort of complexion, jealousy. And if so, then why did she virtually ran away after knowing the truth of Suhani !!
Perhaps, Rani never looked at me that way. Maybe, I am just a timepass for her. But scraps of
this timepass are what steals a heart beat from me. She selecting the ‘most romantic’ article as the best, “kya main puchh sakti hoon, tum khayalo mein kise dekhte ho.”, that very call of her after the breakup, “kya tum mujhse naraj ho, mujhse baat bhi nahi karna chahte !”, mere rooth jane pe pinki se bhi chhupa ke mujhe phone karna, checking my IA marks, that 1st meet in city, “main to samajhti thi tum……… tumhari koi girlfriend nahi hain”, that insecure feeling of her.
Are all these just a mirage ! Don’t they have any value !! Rani, u ask yourself, When I get close to u, don’t u feel a rise in pulse! When I call your name, don’t u feel that’s the cutest name in the whole world! When I stare at u, don’t u feel gorgeous! When we touched for the 1st time, didn’t u feel the spark! When I say “u r looking nice”, don’t u blush at heart! When I say “Bye”, don’t u want the moment to freeze! Whenever, wherever u hear my name, don’t u feel “kuch kuch” ! If all these answer to a yes, then why are u punishing me & yourself ! Do u fear commitment ? Are u scared of the world around or your family not approving ? Then u must know, I am not Adi of ‘Saathiya’, but am Raj of ‘ddlj’. I’ll make u my own when I win u from your family. If u r with me, I believe I can do anything. True love has the power to conquer anything & everything. Do u feel I can ever betray u? Have u ever asked your heart what it wants?
Close your eyes; forget who u r, where u r for a moment; listen to your heart; Ask yourself,
Can you live without me?

29th Aug '04, Sunday
End of holidays. Once again it’s time to get back to college. Time to bid good bye to the family.
But to be frank, it’s not much painful. In fact, I am dearly waiting for tomorrow when I set for
SBC. U know, I can’t seat idle at a place for a long time. And most of all, Rani is there.
36 days since we last talked, since we last met. In these 36 days, I missed her like anything.
I am still alive ‘coz though she is far from my eyes, she is very near to my heart. Don’t know what she is thinking ‘bout me right now, especially after what happened on the 24th. But it is for sure that in these 36 days, not even a single day would have passed when she didn’t remember me. But for better or for worse - only she knows. Maybe for worse. The way she responded to the final call of 24th and rejected the two calls of 25th, it seems the relation is under threat. Wo kehti hain, “tum mein kitne emotions hain, kitni feelings hain.”, pur itna bhi nahi samajhti ke mere sare emotions, sari feelings usi se joore hain. Till now, I have only indicated to her that she herself is Suhani.
But when & how all these happened is still within me.

Dil ki hain kya dastan ye soonane main aa raha hooon
                      Jo khwab dekha hain tujhko dikhane wo khwab la raha hoon.

26th May '04, Wednesday.

Life is really very weird, isn’t it? The wishes we make, turns to reality very rarely. This is more truewhen the heart is involved. Kuch hi din huye hain maine apni chahat ko samjha hain. Aur isi bich pehle pyar ka pehla gum bhi mil gaya. Rani doesn’t feel for me the way I feel for her. Rather, she is much confused ‘bout me. Today, she was telling me why people down here treat us differently. Gradually, the discussion moved from ‘in general’ to her personal view. She told me that some years back, she had another friend who was very close to her. Next, the way she described that friend, it felt as if she was telling her story keeping me in mind. “Baad mein pata chala wo h bahut bura tha, mere saath lirt kar raha tha.” So, Rani feels that I am flirting with her and she conveyed this very feeling to me by creating the story of a previous friend. For a moment, it felt I am really too bad. Rani mujhe aapna itna achhchha dost manti hain, mujhe itna value deti hain, meri dosti khona nahi chahti. Aur main hoon ke usse dosti ke jagah pyaar expect karne laga. How mean !!!!! She ignored all the rumors about us & showed her trust in me. And now, I myself was going to hurt that trust. Maybe, I am cheating her by having love for her in my heart. I should tell her the truth. I had never seen her in that way. Maine bhi usein upna dost hi mana tha. Pur yehi dosti kub mere liye pyar mein badal gayi, mujhe hi nahi pata. Usne kaha tha “tum log char saal baad sub kuch bhoola ke, friends ko chhor ke chale jaate ho.” No Rani, I am not among them. I will hold your hands for a lifetime. After four years, I will take you with myself.
Chalogi mere saath??


8th June '04, Tuesday.

Kabhi kabhi aapko eksaath itni khusiya mil jati hain ke aap sochte hain ub aagar maut bhi aa jaye to koi gum nahi. Something like that only happened to me today.
Actually, yesterday it was the cosmos night & my very own thnx giving day. But Rani couldn’t
spare some time for me. It was my fault only. I approached her at the last minute when her bus was about to leave. So, she left & I watched till the bus was out of view. Then don’t know what happened to me, main bhi usi raah par chal diya. Usi ki baatein yaad aa rahi thi. The moments we have spent together, the loving memories that have us bonded together. At those very moments, aise lug raha tha jaise Rani mere saath hi hain, mere bohot paas. It was feeling so……good. Dil ne chahha ke yuhi sari raat khule aakash ke neeche ghumta rahu.
Anyways, my thnx-giving day was rendered incomplete. So, today at 6 pm, I called her and asked her to meet me at the parvathi stop within 1 hour. She was pleading, “main abhi nahi aa sakti, plz plz.”, but I put the phone down. After a while it occurred to me that she might not give much importance to this call or may get angry on me for calling her like that. It was for the 1st time that I asked her to meet me in city, that too, in an hour’s notice. Whether she will come or not? I was so much nervous. And I just couldn’t believe my eyes when she came there within 10 minutes.

It was drizzling out there. A sweet aroma of the drenched earth in the air. The nature, gleaming after the fresh shower. And at the locus of all these, there she was, cladding the baby sky, with an umbrella over her head. Some unexplored excitement on face, some boundless curiosities in eyes, a bit of hesitation in mind, with all these and much more, she was looking entirely different. For a moment, went breathless. It seemed as if an angel has landed on earth with the rain. A face so delicate that anybody would be afraid to touch it for the fear of having it crumble. The magnificent elegance, the innocent gaze…….. everything was so magical. I was feeling like I had never felt before. We talked for hardly 3 minutes; still I’ll never forget those mesmerizing moments for the next 3 lives.
Afterall, she had responded to my very 1st call to visit me for the very 1st time.

3rd July '04, Saturday.

For the last few days, life is really on the go. So many things happened in such a short timespan.
Ok, first things first. On the 1st of july, I asked Rani to meet me at the temple. Temple, ’coz I thought she might like that place as the venue. So I visited the temple for the 1st time in seven years. Pehli baar bhagwan se kuch manga. Anyways, Rani didn’t turn up. Instead, she made a call the day after. And such was my luck, I was not in hostel at that time. U know what, whenever I asked god for something, e snatched something else from me in lieu of that wish. But this time, I don’t wanna allow him the chance. The very next day, that is today I called her aur bato hi bato mein pehli baar upni dil ki kuch baatein usein kehdi. Of course, Suhani ki madat leke. Suhani, for me – a character to introduce Rani with herself, for Rani – my 1st adhura love. Main Rani se humesha kehta tha “mujhe tumse kuch ehna hain, pur pata nahi kaise kahu. Isiliye, phir kabhi bataunga.” That “phir kabhi” was today. I told her, “Always remember, duniya ke kisi kone mein ek aadmi bohot khush hain, kyuki tum khush ho. Tumhe hur wo chiz mile jiski umhe chahhat ho. Tumhe kabhi naa kehna pare ‘kaash’.” “Ye sub maine kabhi Suhani se kaha tha.” But I didn’t tell her that ‘kabhi’ is today itself and that Suhani is none other than U. Before disconnecting, I said, “miss u”, but she didn’t respond !

I am sending a story on Suhani to Rani. In fact, I got this idea of Suhani from Rani herself when she had recited her story of her previous northie friend. And now, I am telling her own story to her with her character named as Suhani. “Hope only, my Suhani would understand someday that none other than she is my Suhani.”


{TO BE CONCLUDED........}

5th May '04, Wednesday.
Dear diary, I have a confession to make. In past few days, I’ve committed one of the most heinous offences. I lied to papa - my papa - who taught me to be honest always. It would have hurt him immensely if he got to know the truth from somewhere else. Main apni hi nazron mein gir jata. So I had to tell him the truth. But I was already so much ashamed that I couldn’t sum up the courage to talk to him. Don’t know how he would react. I felt the very need of a friend who would be beside me at that moment, supporting & encouraging me morally. Rani. Today I am able to face the mirror, thnx to her. She advised me to call home & speak the truth and was there beside me all through that call. Whenever I felt weak, I looked at her and regained my strength. Agar aaj wo nahi hoti, to main shayad kabhi sach nahi bol pata aur zindagi bhar apni family ke samne ek liar hoke reh jata. Thnx buddy, thnx for being there for me.

14th May '04, Friday
“Pata hain log humare bare mein kya bolte hain?”. To abate the discomfort of some nonsense people, the court of friendship sentenced me to life even without a single hearing. “Abse hum college mein baat nahi karenge.”. I was there in the lab to wish her ‘good bye’ for her vacation, but she made a ‘good bye’ forever and left me alone in the lab.
Why? Why me?? Just ‘coz I am a boy, a boy from distant land ! Just ‘coz maine usein, sirf usein upna subse pyara dost mana !! just ‘coz some tipsy were irked !!!

Now this is Rani, whom I thought to be different from others, someone on whom I can always rely.
And now, just some moments of disgrace made her forget the tender moments spent together. That very friend, whom I thought to be my power even in most hopeless situations, was lacking the courage to face the little world with the truth on her side. The friend I always wanted to be by my side didn't want to be even seen with me. She didn’t look back even once and left. Now it’s 7 pm, six hours since she left me alone. And I am still alone. The college day function is at full blast outside. All my ‘friends’ are out, enjoying their share of the day. And I already had enough of my ruined day. I even can’t get sis when I called home.
This is it. I am destined to be lonely today. So let it be. I am not complaining. Mujhe dukh hain to bus is baat ka ke itne deeno mein bhi tum mujhe samajh nahi payee Rani. Anyways, if this can make U happy & your life easier, it’s ok with me. Remember, u r still my best buddie.
Someone, somewhere thinks of your smile, And finds in your presence that life’s worthwhile.

So whenever U r lonely, remember it’s true, Someone, somewhere is thinking of you.

21st May '04, Friday.
Seven days. Seven days of anxiety, seven days of confusion, seven days of distress. The last seven days passed like seven never ending years. Only I know how I spent each moment of these seven days.
The first two days went like hell. Nothing felt good. Then I tried to recover myself. What have I
lost? Just a friend ! So what if she was one in a billion ! So what if she was so close to me that I can share just about anything with her ! So what if I am feeling myself incomplete without her ! Yes. Don’t know why, but aisa lug raha hain jaise mujhse mera sub kuch chhin liya gaya ho. God knows, I have always considered Rani as one of my best buddies. But for the past few days, I myself am confused regarding my feelings for her. Destiny has always snatched everything I love from me. But I had never felt like this before. Now it feels as if she is something more than just a friend for me, as if I can’t live without her. I closed my eyes, and it was she who appeared before me. Maybe……maybe main usein chahne laga hoon. The fear of losing her forever is what made me realize her importance in my life. I don’t wanna lose U Rani. How can I spell S_ccess without U? Or C_te? Or H_mble? Or F_n? Or F_t_re? Or even Tr_st? What will I do without U?
Plz come back. Plz… Wait. There’s a call for me.
Plz don’t wake me up if I am dreaming. The call I just received was from, guess who, Rani.
Listening to her voice after so many days felt like it’s spring time again. In 876 seconds, usne aur uski khamoshi ne kaphi kuch kaha. Each of her words sounded like music to ears. Every now & then, I feared she might cut the phone now. I had so much to say, so much to express, but could not utter a single word. At last, she said, “Ub ye mera last coin hain.” . So cute & innocent naa … Last 90 secs of leased lifeline. After that, fascination. So, what was it? Did it signify something? At least, she doesn’t want the relation to break, to end as if it was never there. Maybe she doesn’t want to lose me from her life. Maybe I am special for her.
Hey Rani, am I?


{To BE CONCLUDED....}

Starting 2day, I'll be posting the article named "Vicky A's Diary" - the expression of my love for Rani. This is the article that I gave her in may '05 and after which she said - "Hum achhe dost rahenge"

START

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24th Sep '02, Tuesday.
The 1st day of our college. The beginning of a new life, the stepping-stone for the future. A whole new environment. A bunch of unknown people all around you. Maybe someday, some of them will be my friends,friends for a lifetime. But it surely will take some time. So, let the time take its course & hope for the best.

18th Oct '02, Friday.
Rani didn’t attend the classes today. Maybe she was busy somewhere else. But hey, why am I bothered! Who is she! Not even a friend. Just a girl I am observing for last few days. But why? Actually, she is not just any other girl. She is a bit different. A beautiful girl, with a lot of innocence in her eyes and a bit of unexplored uneasiness too. Arriving at the last minute, last bench corner seat, attending lectures, taking notes, the last person to leave the class. This is Rani. It’s almost a month since our 1st day, but I didn’t see her smile for even a single moment till date. And don’t know why, I wanna see this girl smile.

29th Jan '03, Wednesday
I couldn’t talk to her even today. Don’t know why, but I just couldn’t sum up the courage to talk to her. Afterall, who am I? What am I? A mediocre student with no credibility, no personality, no great looks, nothing great to boost of. Don’t know how she will react if I approach her.

19th Dec '03, Friday.
Today I found a new friend. Rani, my 1st girlfriend down here. ‘Girl’ friend, not ‘girlfriend’.

I called her after the class and said “Mujhe pehchanti ho?” At 1st she was perplexed. But on getting the joke, there was this cute smile on her face.(“Tumhe kaun nahi pehchanta!” Really?)
I wish I could show her how pretty she looks with her smile. That was the beginning of our friendship.
Hope this ‘Pretty Woman’ becomes one of those ‘friends 4 ever’. Keep smiling.

6th Jan '04, Tuesday.
The 1st Tuesday of the new year showed me something I never want to see. Dew drops dripping from heaven. Rani was in tears, mumbling on how she failed to execute her lab program. She was very much upset and needed a cozy shoulder. But the stupid me couldn’t do anything to cheer her up but stand beside like a mummy. I just couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Every teardrop in her eyes was hurting me like hell. I wanted to change the world for her, so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore. Maybe, that’s what true friends are for. Besides, I can always feel the pain of others.
I am too good a person you know.

1st April '04, Thursday
Have you ever lost a friend? Pray not. Ek dost ko kho dene ka darr kya hota hain, ye maine aaj mehsus kiya. I never knew the situation could take such a turn. Just a little practical joke and my friendship was at stake.

When I gave her the folded paper, she went nervous and was looking nervous throughout the class. The very thought of her face turning baby pink on getting the joke was amusing me like anything. But when she didn’t respond at the end of morning classes and even during the afternoon session, it was my turn to get worried. She hadn’t read the paper yet. But why? Was she really that much afraid. What if she tears it apart or throws it away even without reading it once??? For the rest of her life, she will think that I had given her a love letter. Those last two periods were the most uneasy moments of my entire life. Each passing second felt like never ending years. Don’t know what she was thinking of me. Maybe something wrong.
The very feeling of losing a dear friend just out of misunderstanding was killing me. It was only at the end of the day that she confessed “that was funny” and brought me out of the living hell. I wish I don’t have to face such situations ever again. Humari dosti ko kisi ki najar na lage.


Lesson learnt: no more practical jokes now onwards.

{To BE CONCLUDED}